Have We Created A Monster?

Dear Ask The Expert

My husband and I have a 11-year-old daughter that we love dearly but we are at a loss as to what to do about her. In our attempts to be good parents, we have given her far more “things” than we ever had as children. Now, she is a tyrant when she does not get her way. Sometimes I give in just to not have to suffer the effects of her temper tantrums. Have we created a monster??

Loving (but worn out) Mom

Dear Mom,

When I was contemplating your question, I went to look up the pre-adolescent child and the stage of development your daughter is in. Here is what I learned: “critical of adults, rebels at routine, moody, resents being told what to do, strives for unreasonable independence, considerable individual differences, craves alone periods, strong urge to conform to group more, intense interest in teams”. Does any of that sound familiar???

Actually, this is a great time to begin to set reasonable boundaries for what you expect and what you will buy for her. I would suggest that you and your husband sit down together and decide exactly the behavior you DO want: for example, We expect her compliance with requests to do chores, to pick up after herself, to turn off the television, gameboy, etc. when we ask. We will buy her gifts, clothes, shoes, etc. when…….(that’s a family decision) and we expect her to accept the family decision with little to no tantrums. The next step would be that you and your husband actually write down approximately 5 house rules for her, stated in the positive.

For example...

Rule 1: Homework is to be done at ___ o’clock in (state location).

Rule 2: "Play" (television, gameboy, outside, telephone etc) can happen after homework and chores are done.

Rule 3: Any discussion about rules needs to be done in a calm tone.
If there is any shouting (parents or child), the “discussion” should be postponed until both or all three parties can talk calmly.

Rule 4: We will be respectful of each other.

That means that any discussion that she has with you that is disrespectful should end immediately and she should go to her room, or some other designated place until she can talk to you respectfully. (I’ve sent boys back several times until we could talk about what is happening.)

Rule 5: ...

After you have written the rules, have a family meeting with her about the new, great, changes that will be happening in your family.

Temper tantrums are appropriate for children of about 2 or 3 years old. …not 11. You might consider telling her that inappropriate tantrums will be dealt with the same way you dealt with them at 2: totally ignoring them or putting her in her room for a nap. Certainly, a 2-year-old would not be allowed to go the mall with friends or have her own cell phone. I’m guessing that her tantrums include being disrespectful to you and your husband. That can be dealt with as a “rule”, as well.

Your child wants to “negotiate” her own will. Good for her. But it doesn’t mean that we have to give in to it. YOU know what is best for your child and you need to insist that she gets what is best and not what she WANTS.

Of course, you will be called “mean”. That just means that you are doing a great job of insisting that she grow up.

You can begin to insist that your daughter “earn” her privileges and even clothes, shoes, and incidentals. I’ll bet she has enough “stuff” to last a year. You don’t “owe” her the frivolous things, just the basics. She will feel much better about herself is she is responsible for earning some things.

The most simple way I know to begin this is with the “if/then or when/then” statements. “When your homework is done, you may……..”.
"If you get your room cleaned by 5:00pm, then you may…………..”.
"When you can talk to me respectfully, then we can have a discussion about…………..”

Remember that you are setting boundaries that you child will need in the “real” world.
Let me know how it goes!

Mrna Dibble, LCSW, MSW
Family Expert with Creative Childcare Solutions